


There's a Hole In My Soul, Can You Fill It?

by Captain_Twinkie



Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-08 18:29:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17391440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_Twinkie/pseuds/Captain_Twinkie
Summary: Years on a relationship can change people, they can leave at the blink of an eye for no reason...or many reasons.Emma knows this the hard way and she struggles to find a balance that she can finally move on solid ground.Dan has this horrible problem of digging holes and throwing rocks on her path.





	1. Chapter 1

Emma could only stand there with tears in her eyes as he packed away his things and avoided eye contact. He had been busy packing up before she came home from visiting her parents. His mind was made up and no amount of crying or begging would change his choice. The pain she felt in her chest was probably something akin to losing her right arm; he was taking the other half of her with him. Her skin was cold and she shuddered once he zipped up his last bag, straightening up and facing her. His dark hair was wild and long on top of his head, running his fingers through it and lack of a shower made it untamed. Just like him, she guessed. His face was unreadable, the frown was deep and tight as if he was biting the inside of his cheek, but she could see the inner turmoil swirling in his dark blue eyes; she knew they gave away more emotion than anything. Well, except his songs, those were deep and surprising in their own. He was defeated, warring with himself to stay with her or be free and pursue his dream. Eight years down the drain, the sapphire ring sat upon her left ring finger; heavy and a burden. Her thumb instinctively twirled it and his eyes fell upon the movement, pain radiating on his face and he let out a sorrowful sigh. She twisted it off her finger, movements robotic as she held it out to him, eyes searching his face for any other reaction. 

"Take it." She whispered, voice breaking and a wave of tears rolling down her red cheeks. 

He turned his head away, some of his hair falling over his forehead. 

"Keep it." He replied, "Please." His voice was no louder than hers. 

Why was this so hard? Why were they both breaking each other's hearts?

What more could she say to him? That she was sorry she wasn't what he wanted? Why she couldn't be his first choice? She never told him he couldn't pursue his dream, she just wanted to be first priority at some point.

She wanted to be angry, to throw the ring at him. She wanted to scream, to punch him or force him to stay by unpacking his clothes but she felt drained. She didn't want to him to be unhappy with her. Like taming a wild mustang that's been running free for years just because it was a pretty color. He didn't need to be like her; to sacrifice his dream just like she did for him. 

She did a lot for him.

Just for him to be done and leave. 

"I need to do this, Emma."

She felt herself shake harder, nodding briefly before moving away from the doorway she found herself blocking. He gave her that puppy dog look; the same look he'd send her when he was trying to be alluring but it made her giggle and kiss him. The look he gave her when he proposed and she was too busy crying happy tears to utter a word and he looked torn between concern and that look. 

But the look just made her cry harder this time and not with happiness. Her heart was ripping, shredding into pieces inside her. And he didn't even bother. 

Emma blinked back the tears and when she opened them he had hurried out of the door, leaving behind his musky cologne and the image of his face burned into her brain.

 

But that was three years ago.

These days she was too busy throwing herself into work and friends that she had no reason to be sad. Three years sounds like a long time, a perfect amount of time to get over someone but after spending eight years; five living together and one in a half engaged, it was like only a few months have passed.

It didn't help that everywhere she turned, his face was there. 

'New and upcoming band that call themselves Bastille surprise everyone with new hit single and music video!'

'Dan Smith, the guy every fan girl is in love with.'

She had yet to listen or see any of his songs, they didn't mean anything and she just wanted to get better. But it was hard to ignore it when not only did people realize she used to be engaged to the singer but the song played everywhere.

Her own friends were in love with his songs, mentioning the lyrics to her but she would tune them out. 

She was proud of him, of course, so happy that he was happy but she didn't need to subject herself to that sort of hurt. Maybe one day she'd be able to listen to his music without the hole in her soul burning.

A lot had changed since him leaving. She had lost the apartment when she stopped going to work, her car was repo'd almost immediately and she spent over 7 months living at her parents with her two cats and dog. Her dog had no idea that Dan was gone and never coming back, the pup depressed and she had to baby him for a long time before he started to act normally. 

Her depression escalated for a long while, money spilled into medicine and sometimes she didn't have the will to go on. How could she when her best friend and love of her life up and left her behind like she was a piece of used up furniture?

But she found out quite slowly that only she could change and the sun does come out once she got off her ass and improved her life. She had him to prove wrong and she now had pets to care for. He could abandon them but she wouldn't. Another year down the drain but she had gotten a better job working with rescue groups, an apartment and a new car. She was happy, as well as she could be but she was working on it anyway.

So here she was, going strongly and independently without anyone's help.


	2. Chapter Two

It was Friday night and her usual get together time with her friends. A few of them were still in contact with Dan but she refused to listen to what they had to say. She put up a front for them, all of them, because she wasn't stupid. She knew they told him things. 

The place they were meeting at tonight was like a very Irish looking pub that wasn't a sport bar for once. One side of the stone/wooden pub was a dance floor with live music and the other half was the tables and couches to just drink and relax. 

Emma always dressed up, knowing not only did she look good to everyone else but she did it for herself too. Besides, her girl friends wouldn't like it if she arrived in jeans and a t-shirt when they always went all out. 

She waved at her friends when she walked through the door, pointing towards the table they were at when the hostess went to greet her. Her mood increased as she came over, drinks were ordered and she sipped delicately at her mix drink, not wanting to get too wasted too quickly. A cover band was playing in the other room, off tune warm ups that she wasn't really listening to as they chatted. One of her good friends sitting to her left grabbed her hand and made a disgusted noise in her throat, causing everyone at the table to look over. 

"Why're you still wearing this, darling?" She asked, she hated how the girls (including hers) accent became deeper and slurred after drinking a lot. Dan always said it was attractive but...

Emma pulled her hand away , placing it on her lap and glared, not wanting to get into this again. The engagement ring glistened in the dim orange lights of the pub and she felt its heaviness weighing her down.

"Leave the ol' girl alone, Mack. Ain't anyone trying to fight tonight." One of the guys, Steve berated her. 

Emma sent him a grateful smile and went back to her drink, downing it with ease and raising it when a waitress walked over to get their new round. 

"How are you doing, Em?" 

The redhead turned her eyes to her other friend, Melissa and shrugged, "Getting there. We settled those animals from that farm finally, a few needed some fosters and what not."

Melissa nodded, she was a vet tech at the new clinic Emma had gotten the rescue to start using. "I heard about the upcoming appointments. Everyone's been freaking out of the condition of some of them."

Emma sighed, "Yeah, it's not pretty but that's why we're here." She smiled, "Trying to work miracles and such."

"You always were made for that sort of thing, Emmie. You're doing so much better, proud of you." The brunette leaned closer, "We were all worried about you..." She stared hard at Emma, trying to get her point across. 

Emma grimaced, "Mel...Look-"

A crowd in the other room started to cheer as the band started up, a tune starting that apparently everyone was freaking out about (mostly the girls) and Emma thought the song sounded very catchy. 

"Dan asks about you every day. And I'm not putting that lightly." 

A couple of the girls at the table dragged their guys over to the dance floor and Emma watched curiously before turning back to her friend. 

"I don't need this. I just want to move on like he has." 

Melissa gave her a doubtful expression before shaking her head and the pub grew a little quieter as the singer greeted everyone. 

"Hope you all enjoy this cover of Bastille's new song 'Quarter Past Midnight'" 

Emma groaned and took the shots the guys left behind, shooting a couple down and watched everyone start wildly dance. The song was very catchy and the singer was pretty damn good. 

"Come dance and forget it." Melissa suggested, handing Emma another shot before they headed over and Emma began to sway to the music, the whiskey and her heavy duty mixed drinks were starting to fog her mind up and loosen her limbs. The singer played a few more Bastille songs, changing the music to be upbeat and without really listening to the words clearly, she started to sing outloud, words just sort of tumbling out of her mouth. 

She had no idea that one of their friends was recording, tagging her in it and then sending a copy to Dan. 

When the morning sun streamed through her bedroom window and her hangover was knocking against her head, she picked up her phone and saw 5 missed calls and 10 unread text messages. 

All of them from Dan.


	3. Chapter Three

Emma put off returning anything from him for a few hours, she couldn't lie that seeing his name on her phone made her stomach twist in a delightful way; like the first time a crush contacts you. She couldn't stop her hands from trembling as she poured herself the last cup of coffee, her breakfast almost burning on the stove. The phone was on the counter, lit brightly and waiting patiently for her reply.

'Saw the vid of you. didnt know you liked my music'

'how much did u have to drink??'

'jesus em, please reply to me.'

'can you call me? did u make it home ok?'

The rest of the messages were similar, just concerned over where and how she was. 

They made her angry, she wanted to tell him to fuck off but she guessed she'd always have a soft spot for him. The fact he sounded so worried if she made it home was enough for her to sit heavily on the stool and place her hands over her face in sorrow. 

Emma sat there contemplating what to even say back that wasn't desperate and stupid when she heard a sharp bark come from her left side, the warm breath of her dog made her peer down at him and smile as he pawed at her thigh. 

"What do you think? Should I reply or delete his messages?" She wondered out loud.

The Golden Retriever cocked his head slightly, tongue lolling out in a goofy smile and woofed softly, pawing at her leg again before leaning his head on it. 

"You're right. I should just say something back." She pulled her attention back to her phone, picking it up and staring at the messages again; hands clammy as her thumb hovered over the letters.  
'made it home ok.' She hit sent and tossed the phone back onto the counter, taking a quick sip of the rapidly cooling coffee to distract herself. 

"God, what if he doesn't text back? Or...or worse, what if he does?"

Archie, her retriever, huffed and nudged at her side so she could reach down and pet his head. She messed with his ears and nearly jumped off the stool when her phone beeped loudly to inform her of a new message.

"Please be him and not one of my friends." She muttered, reaching over to grab it again and slid the lock screen. 

'can you call?'

Emma bit her lip, heart pounding in her ears but answered quickly without giving in. 

'why?'

His reply took a little longer, she could imagine him sitting wherever he was and rocking in his seat with a nervous tick, biting at his thumb to come up with a not stupid reason. 

After fifteen minutes of no reply, she gave up and started to get ready for the day. She had errands to run and she knew Archie was dying to come along and walk; the weather from her view inside was sunny enough with no clouds in sight. After a quick shower, change and making sure she had everything, she grabbed Archie's leash and headed outside. It was a little bit of a walk into town but she knew the pup deserved the outdoor time. She rarely walked with him on her days off like this. He was a good dog, Dan had sent him to doggie school for a few months after they spent a very long time in looking at reputable breeders around them. 

Archie only improved coming home since Dan catered to his every whim, she wasn't surprised to see them outside in the courtyard playing fetch for a couple hours. He did his research and they were just inseparable. 

She glanced down at the happy pup walking calmly to her left, the leash dangling in his mouth since he never ran off and needed to be an independent dog. 

It hurt her to know Dan could not only leave her behind but his pride and joy. Three years and now he was trying to contact her? Well, she supposed that was his last message since she knew he had no solid reason to talk on the phone.

"Oh goodness, can I pet your dog?" Emma watched a girl her age come over excitedly, staring at the golden with loving eyes. Archie stopped when Emma did, glancing up at his owner. 

"Sure." 

The girl automatically reached for his ears, his tail going wild and whacking Emma in the back of her knees. He never stepped away from her side, which was good training in her mind.   
"What's his name? He's beautiful and well trained." The girl gushed. 

"Archie and thank you." Emma beamed. 

"Oh," The girl straightened and her face turned red, "Is this...THE Archie?"

Emma's eyebrows pulled together in confusion, "Uhm, I don't know what you mean."

"Dan from Bastille mentioned in an interview that he had a golden named Archie who was well trained and held his leash when he walked." The girl paused, "Sorry if I'm incorrect.." Emma noticed the girl had a Bastille hoodie on. Great.

Emma's own face heated up but in frustration, a lump forming in her throat. 

"Yeah, this is him." Her voice broke and she reached out her hand towards the dog, letting him drop the leash handle in her hand. "Excuse me." She continued to walk, legs feeling like lead and she felt a burning sensation behind her eyeballs. 

She would not cry. 

Emma spotted a deserted off street and turned down it, leaning against the brick wall and let out a shaky breath. Archie sat in front of her, pawing at her leg and whined. 

"He just can't leave us alone, can he?" She whispered, petting his head. 

In an act of anger, she took out her cell phone and hit the phone icon next to his name. She listened to it ring twice before she heard him pick up.

"Em?" He sounded out of breath, almost eager. 

"Stop dragging us through the mud." Were her first words to him in three years. 

"What?"

"I had some chick pet Archie and inform me you talk about him in interviews..." Her voice shook violently and Archie whimpered, nudging harder into her hand. "You left us.. you don't get to talk about him or me like that, like...like we matter!"

Dan's voice was small on the other end, she could hear voices on the other side and her heart felt like it was on fire. Tears stung her eyes and she wanted to openly cry. 

"Em, Emma. I-I...I still care-"

"Do you?" She ground out, "Three years and now you care? Drop the bullshit, Daniel." She felt her ring dig into her other fingers and she wanted to throw it into the street but the loss would be too great. "I should toss this damn ring into a river with how much you care!"

He made a surprised noise, "You still wear-"

She hung up on him and angrily wiped at her eyes with her sleeve. Archie stared up at her with deep brown eyes and she smiled sadly, leading him back home. Her errands could wait another day.


	4. Chapter Four

An entire week went by where she didn't hear from him. She supposed it was for the best, she was still pissed and he probably had other things to worry about than his ex being mad. 

After the fourth day, Emma felt silly for snapping at him but she refused to tell him that. She was just going to be stubborn and keep moving forward. She wasn't going to be the one to initiate contact anymore, she wasn't even too sure what contact would accomplish anyway. 

On her way to work the sixth day, the radio announcer mentioned Bastille's new single that hit the top 40 tracks and she itched to switch to channel but instead humored herself and listened to it.

'...Then only for a minute, I want to change my mind because this just don't feel right to me..'

Emma gripped the wheel and switched off the station, biting her cheek and stared ahead at the road. Upon entering the shelter, she was far too busy to even think about the song or him for the rest of the day.   
It wasn't until late that night, with her snuggled on the couch with Archie and her cats; Binx and Abel on the recliner that she really thought about him again. The TV show she was watching had a couple fighting over something and the girl was crying and begging for him to stay. Emma frowned, fingers picking at a loose thread of her throw blanket as her thoughts connecting the dots. 

Did he write these songs about them? Or was someone else stealing his time? 

She twisted the ring on her finger, wondering if they'd be married by now. The engagement wasn't supposed to last forever, they were already in the process of booking venues and colors when everythinig changed. Three years was a long time, she supposed, in three years they could've just gotten married or were pregnant. Good things could've happened or bad things. Life was limitless and never judged. Bad things happened to good people and vice versa. 

She just didn't know where to go from here. 

Should they reconnect, even just to be friends? 

Would that hurt her even more in the end? 

Maybe he just contacted her to actually see if she was okay and leave it at that.

Archie let out a little snore with his head pressed against her side and she huffed a soft laugh, picking up her phone to snap a quick photo of him before thinking twice and sending it to Dan. She had no idea where he was, time zones being a huge factor. She could've either sent him a morning, afternoon or late as hell photo of the pup. 

Emma shrugged to no one and set her phone back down, trying to pay attention to the show instead of her nerves. 

On the third commercial run, her phone buzzed against her thigh and she saw his name; her gut twisting and she smiled before even reading the text. 

'He's out. Odd to think it's late there but lunchtime here.'

She frowned, trying to calculate where he may be but gave herself a headache and figured it didn't matter too much.

'Busy?' She questioned. 

The reply was instant, "Absolutely not. I rather be busy, wanna slam my head into a wall.'

She giggled to herself and then shook her head.

'That's a little harsh. What exactly are you doing?'

'Going over legal things and song lyrics.'

Emma wanted to bring up the song she heard today but decided against it, for now. 

'Interesting, sounds busy. Have fun.' She decided to call it a night and place the throw over top of Archie who barely sturred. She switched off the TV and headed into her bedroom, charging her phone and lay under her blanket, watching her phone light up and half tempted to ignore it. 

'What're you doing? Care to chat on the phone?'

Here he goes with the phone calls again, she mused. Sure she'd give anything to hear his voice but she had an early day going to the vets with the newly rescued cats.

'Rain check? In bed because it's midnight here.'

He sent her a sad emoji and she rolled her eyes, 'Got me there.. I'll be around the town in a few days...' He sent the message and she worried at her bottom lip. 

'Would you give me the time of day and have lunch?'

She took a quick inhale and stared at the message, re-reading it again and again. 

'Yeah. Sounds good.'

She placed her phone away when he sent a simple:

'I'll be counting the days down. Night x'

She buried her face in her pillow and tried not to scream into it.


End file.
